QuakeCon 2004

By: Spineless

*NOTE: This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever written. Oh yeah, and it gets progressively worse. Read at your own discretion.

ACT II

Outside id Offices. A terrorist fires with a watergun through the window. Spineless pulls out a rocket launcher and blows off his head.

Spineless (points to Wester).

WR: Um… Boy, he won’t be having headaches anymore.

SM: Alright, we’re getting better.

WR: Thanks!

SM: A!

WR: Sorry…

SM: A!

WR:…

SM: Let’s go (pauses and points at Symphony X). Now guys. (They start playing metal tune).

They enter through front doors. A kid with a water pistol jumps out and shoots Spineless.

SM: Aaaaagh! (Nails him with rocket launcher).

WM: Errr, isn’t that a bit excessive? It was just a water---

SM: You’re not supposed to talk so much.

WM: Well, what am I supposed to do?

SM: Just stand there and try to look hot, damn it!

Gabe Newell comes out, holding AK-47.

GB:What? Who are you people? Are you here to take over id Software, too?

SM: What?

GB: I have no idea. I was holding this place hostage, then these kids with waterguns started barging in saying they wanted to hold them hostage, too. Some kids from Planetdoom who wanted to force id to make more Doom games.

SM: Figures. What else can you expect from Gamespy…

GB: So, what’re you here for?

SM: Umm, to stop you, I guess. Why are you holding them hostage, anyway?

GB: I want to stop them from releasing the next Doom 3 patch. It is supposed to make their game perfect. I can’t have that. (Sudden fear rises in eyes). Oh my god, it’s you! The prophecy is true!

SM: Aw crap, not these damned prophecies again!

GB: You’re here to stop me! Your coming was foretold! IT would herald the downfall of Half-Life 2. You know our secret, don’t you?

SM: No.

GB: You know that Half-Life 2 is fake, and all we’ve been doing is sitting around and eating Pringles and Cupcakes.

SM: Now I do.

GB: Damn it, so the prophecy is true!

SM: Pringles and cupcakes?

GB: The two food groups: sweet and salty.

SM: I see.

(Silence, awkward moment)

SM: Right, so now what?

GB: Umm, I guess we shoot each other and stuff.

SM: Right, wait one second. (Turns to band) Alright, go.

Metal starts playing.

Gabe Newell pulls out his arms and we see that he is like a mancubus, with two weapons mounted one each arm.

GB: Juba-mi-mahaaaaalos!

SM: What the hell?

(Spineless ducks cannon fire)

WM: Spineless! (Tosses a big weapon)

(Spineless uses gravity gun and makes Gabe Newell fly around)

SM: Where’d you find this?

WM: I don’t know, it was just conveniently lying there.

SM: Right (points to Wester)…

WR: Talk about a whale getting beached.

SM: Alright, getting better, let’s go!

WM: Wait. (Looks at steaming Gabe-mancubus thing) How do you come up with all this crap?

SM: I don’t know. It’s been a long day. Come on!

Music plays.

Christian Antkow comes out, wearing a robe.

CA: Yes, yes… it is about time. Your coming was foretold. Very well, you must continue alone

SM: Dude, why are you wearing that?

CA: You sure are inquisitive… Just like all the others… Now hurry along, this cannot wait. Everyone is waiting for you, everything depends… No, I shall not tell you…

SM: Alright, I’m not sure I really want to know.

CA: Beyond that door is where you must go. I cannot tell you what you shall see beyond, for it is for you and you only. But I know the weight resting on your shoulders, it is hard to bear. But answers lie beyond that door.

SM: Wait, Wester, the chick, and the band need to come along. I need music and one-liners.

CA: Yeah, it’s taken care of.

SM: Ah, OK. Good…

(Spineless looks at door, heavily outlined by bright white light coming beyond it. Spineless enters, followed by band, Wester and woman. There, sitting in a chair calmly, is Paul.)

PAUL: Welcome, sit down.

SM: What the hell is going on?

PL: I am the architect, Spineless. You know me.

SM: No, you’re Paul.

PL: I am the architect. I have created this world, a program, in which you live. I am above reality, I control everything.

SM: No, I’m pretty sure you’re Paul.

PL (whispering sideways so audience wouldn’t hear): Hey, knock it off already! I’m God, OK?

SM: Right… Weren’t you John Carmack’s twin in the last QuakeCon thing I wrote?

PL: I think so. I haven’t read it in a while.

SM: Hm, OK. But wait, wouldn’t it make more sense to have John Carmack here?

PL: Not really. Besides, he’s on vacation.

SM: I thought he was being held hostage?

PL: Err…

SM: OK, well, major plot-hole… Moving on…. So you are like God?

PL: In a way, yes.

SM: So tell me: why couldn’t you tell me how to create a mailing list in Hotmail?

PL: Err, you see, it’s more complicated than that. I cannot control what is alien; Microsoft is the front for the force that was unleashed on Halo. It is evil and must be destroyed, but I have no control over it. You do.

SM: Whoa, whoa, back up. What?

PL: You see, the world is the Doom universe. The Doom game is really a mirror program of the real world. A program within a program. In reality, everyone is a demon. You, too, are a demon. But too many demons died from fear when they looked in the mirror each morning. And so, a computer program, the world you know, was created. There, demons look like people and live out their lives thinking they’re people. But there is no such thing as a person; it’s just a digital form of the demon. There is no humanity; just demonity, and it’s not ready to face the truth: that everyone who thinks they’re human are really a demon!

SM: Huh?

PL: But then, from across space came monsters from Xen. They were different, and the demon world was caught unaware because everyone was in this computer program. There was an epic battle on a mysterious structure named ‘Halo’ when a dark force was unleashed as a result. If we start waking demons from the program, they will die, but it was foretold that one would come who would battle it out once and for all and end this conflict.

SM: What?

PL: Beyond this door is a bridge between the real world and the computer world you know. There you must face you enemy, the ultimate opponent, and it is then that all will be settled. We are counting on you.

SM: Huh? Wait, what? There’s like a computer game there or what?

PL: (Rolls eyes) Just go through the bloody door…

SCENE 2

Spineless appears in a rain-drenched street. Lining the walls are identical people, and at the end lies a human figure.

SM: Who are you?

PERSON: Welcome… Mr. Spinelesssss… I am the ultimate Half-Life fanboy….

SM: Really?

HLFANBOY: Yesss….

SM: Wouldn’t it make more sense to have Gabe Newell be my ultimate opponent?

HLFANBOY: No… You sssee, you know HL isn’t a bad game… It isss the fanboys like me that pisss you off… You sssay we are… ignorant. Well, Mr… Spinelesss… we shall see…

SM: Stop talking like that.

HLFANBOY: OMG would it liek be betterz to speakorzzzzz like dissszzzZZZZ!!!1one… ?????/

SM (clutching head): AGH! NO! Stop it! No!

HLFANBOY: Maybe now… you realise what we’re capable of, Mr. Spinelesssss….

SM (pulls out shotgun and blows fanboy away): Wow, that was easy. I guess, however these fanboy assholes may act on the internet, they really are a bunch of wuss idiots off-line, eh?

Silence.

SM: Wait, that was supposed to be the big fight scene, eh? Aw, I screwed it up. Oh well. Hey, wait a second… This is supposed to be the part where the audience thinks everything is safe--

SM is pulled to the ground suddenly, where a hand is grasping his foot.

SM: and suddenly the villain comes back to ‘suprrise’ us. (Looks down at fanboy clutching his foot). I should’ve know this was going to happen. ARGH! My foot! The pain!

HLFANBOY: How do you like it? If there’s anything we HL fanboys have, it’s an iron grip. With all that typing we do all day, what did you think it would be like? And now it’s time for you to die! Now, I’ll just wait until the circulation of your blood stops in about an hour…

The rain-drenched street starts to fade away and everyone finds themselves in front of the Starbucks. The Person With the Weird Habit is camping on the roof, holding an imaginary sniper rifle. Stuff is blowing up in awesome explosions for no reason at all, cool looking special effects in the form of alien fighters zoom overhead.

SM (looks down at HLFANBOY, who is still clutching his leg): You should leave that HL-infested computer of yours once in a while and go see a movie, because then you’d know this is when you die! (Shoves HLFANBOY away and shoots).

WR: Wow, don’t buy him a hat for Christmas!

WM (posing)

Band plays metal tune.

Paul’s voice echoes across the air:

PL: It’s not over yet! The Skaarj have come from the mothership… It seems that this whole Half-Life invasion was a front for the truth… The Skaarj agents in the Umbrella Corporation are about to leak a deadly virus! In reality, the Skaarj came back in time to prevent their defeat--

SM: OK, fuck that, I’m out of here.

PL: But the faith of demonity! Our own existence!

SM (grins at the camera): Leave it for the sequel!

THE END

PREVIOUS PAGE

   Discuss this article in our forums.