DOOM 3 Articles - Interview with John Carmack

*NOTE: The following transcript is a fake, it never happened, thus it is… fake. Totally untrue. I think I already said that… Anyway, it's a load of BS made for no reason. It is what happens when you drink 10 coffees and a Snickers bar while sitting on the computer. So, don't do drugs and read on:

HOTEL: QUAKECON 2003

    It was the 14th of August and our resident Spineless-mush was to be found at the annual QuakeCon. After 10s upon 10s of decisive battles, and an impressive mid-air frag that saved his team's flag, Spineless found that those 9 cokes and his morning coffee could no longer be contained. Still dazed from the never-ending deathmatch, he rubbed his eyes to clear the lightning gun still present in his peripheral vision. He snooped around carefully and strafed into the lavatory while gazing at his health and armour readings. But as usual, excitement followed him wherever he went. Even in the bathroom.
    There stood the great John Carmack. Even as he did his dirty business in the urinal, there seemed to be a heavenly spotlight shining on him. Eager for a conversation, Spineless walked up to John Carmack in hopes of recording the interview that is here, about to ensue:

Spineless-Mush: Hello!

    John Carmack: Errr… 00100110100010111101011100010.

SM: Excuse me?

    JC: That's "what the hell do you want?" written in binary code.

SM: I see… Well, I was wondering if I could ask you several questions…

    JC: 01010001101...

SM: Not in binary code, if you please.

    JC: All right, but be quick; my presence is required in the data flow that runs through our LAN...

SM: Ok, ok, sure, yeah. So, uh, how's your deathmatch experience at this year's QuakeCon so far?

    JC: Oh, it's wonderful, the way that snippet of electrical impulses announced the single firing of a rocket in my opponent's computer...

SM: Excuse me, sir, but I don't know how in the hell I'm gonna record this if you keep on talking like that.

    JC: Sorry, I've had a lot of technical issues on my mind lately, revolving around Doom III and so on…

SM: Oh that's right. Doom III. Well, how's Doom III coming along?

    JC: Oh, all right. We've had four units assembled just yesterday...

From one of the stalls rises the loud sound of defecation followed by an unearthly smell.

SM: Umm, let's find another spot where we can concentrate better.

CHUCKY CHEESE STRIP CLUB ACROSS THE STREET

SM: So, you we're talking about Doom III, Mr. Carmack. You said something about the units…

    JC (looks startled): Units? What units? Did I say that? Err, I meant modules. Hehehe, yeah.

SM: Sir, you can talk freely. After all, this conversation never took place and this whole transcription is a load of BS made to entertain more than anything else.

    JC: Oh all right. Units. Yesterday we inserted Tim Willits' brain into the main one because its original brain was too… Incompetent to our high standards.

SM: Sorry, but I still don't understand what the hell is going on.

    JC: Our army, you idiot! We are building an army!

SM: An army? But you're a software pro...

    JC (looks wildly around): Hahaha! That's the cover up, nice, isn't it? We're making pretty little games, while in reality, we're building massive armies of cyberdemons!!!

SM: That's just cheesy, but ok. So what's Doom, Doom II, and now Doom III? Huh?

    JC: That's just our cover-up. People think we are programming pretty little games while in reality we are building an elite army of warriors namely named 'Carmack's Confederacy'.

SM: Uhhh… ok?

    JC: Yes. That's why Doom III is taking so long to finish. This project began with the original Doom, and it's now nearing its completion with Doom III. 10 years of hard labour!

SM: Ok, so what's this army for? What are your plans for it?

    JC (laughs maniacally): MUAHAHAHAHA! That's just it! Don't you see, you fool! We are going to pack one of our cyberdemons and send it off to Valve Software! MUHAHAHAHAHA! Half-Life 2 be damned!!!

SM: Ok… Assuming that what you just said is not due to the Tequila in your hand, tell me: what's the rest of the army for? I mean, one cyberdemon is enough to do Valve Software in.

    JC (nods vigorously): Yes, yes. But we also have plans to send some spider masterminds to Electronic Arts.

SM: Why not send a spider mastermind to Valve Software?

    JC: The spider masterminds require a bigger box. And Valve software are further away; those UPS mailing charges would kill us. Meanwhile, EA are a grenade's throw away… literally. Hehehehe….

SM (rubs his chin, thus doubling the normal amount of intelligence he continually radiates): Uh, ok? So, what's your motivation behind this?

    JC: Oh how I despise HL 2… and 1 for that matter. Stupid games, ripping off Hollywood movies. And our will to go ahead with this project only strengthened a few weeks ago when someone from Valve thought it was funny to send us a face hugger. (Odd gleam in his eyes) But we'll get back at them, won't we?

SM: They sent you a face hugger?

    JC: Yeah, it jumped on Trent Reznor and tried to turn him into a vicious mutant. Of course, Trent was already like that, so the face-hugger had no luck. However, Trent got pissed off and left the project. Said that the damn thing congested his nose for good. I told him to try this new stuff, Flexonase, it fixes up you fast! (Looks at camera) Should not be taken by children under the age of 12. Side effects include vomiting, sexual dysfunction, heart failure, formation of odd masses in one's liver, and death...